Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts

Monday, 30 October 2023

Growing a Tree

a free horror short story
Photo by Pascal Debrunner on Unsplash

"George, be careful," the father said. "Don't swallow the seeds, all right?"

"Why, Dad?" George asked. He was eating an apple.

"It will cause indigestion. You will feel sick. And," the father replied. He moved closer, a sinister look on his face, "a tree will grow out of your head."

"I'm not a baby anymore, Dad! I'm already six! You can’t trick me!”

"Just go ahead and try it, boy. Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” the father said with a wink.

For a brief moment, George saw a shadow pass through his father’s eyes. It happened so quickly George thought he must have imagined it. His father strolled out of the kitchen, humming a tune. Alone, George looked at the half-eaten apple in his hand. Doubt flashed through his mind but pride prevailed so he chomped down and swallowed the rest of the fruit - skin, flesh, core and seeds. The stem was the only part left.

******

The family were asleep, in fact, the whole world was. George, however, was having a fitful one. He felt movement on the top of his head. Subconsciously, reached up to give it a scratch and fell back to sleep. The top of his head started to throb, as though something was pushing his scalp from the inside.

A nightmare began to form. He was in class and his teacher had put him in a spot.

“Spell ‘agriculture’,” she said, glaring at him, “or else...”

George was perspiring. Sweat poured from the top of his head, trickling down the back of his neck. That was the source of the itch. He reached up and scratched. There was no way he knew how to spell it. He had just started school!

Then, his fingers felt something sharp protruding out of his head. A shoot had pierced through his scalp. He looked at his fingers and stood frozen. There was blood.

“What’s happening to me!?”

The twig grew. He looked at his teacher, who stared back without emotion. Slowly, her lips twisted into an eerie smile.

“You swallowed the seeds, didn’t you?”

His teacher laughed and his classmates joined in. Soon, the combined laughter echoed beyond the class, so loud it could drown out the sound of thunder.

George woke with a start, soaked in cold perspiration. He realised he was in his bed, in the dark. His father’s snoring in the other room gave a strange assurance that it was all just a nightmare.

But the pain remained. He reached up and felt it. The twig had grown thicker, almost like... a young plant.

He felt something else. It felt like folds under his scalp — he realised they were the roots. The roots reached deeper, compressing his skull. He thought he heard a crack, a sound he associated with Humpty Dumpty. His goosebumps rose as he stood up and grabbed the plant by its trunk.

He tried to yank it out of his head but the pain was unbearable. And then, he lost sensations in his legs. He fell. The bed frame kept him sitting upright on the floor. In a matter of seconds, he could not feel his hands, too. He no longer had control of his body.

His voice rose to his throat. He wanted to scream but no sound came out. The roots were feeding off his brain. Instead of flashing before him, his memories faded away as his brain matter became fertiliser. He started to lose consciousness. His world faded away like sand being blown away in a storm as he was transported into a grassland. The plant grew and became a tree. The tree began the conquest of its host, to become one with it, to stay rooted to the ground and immobile, swaying only with the wind in a slow dance.

In a matter of minutes, the human host in a room had disappeared and in its place, a lone tree in a vast grassland.

End



If you are looking for a happy ending, continue here...

A fluorescent blue bird with a patch of yellow perched on George the Tree. It built a nest and generations lived there. One day, a young descendant started pecking on the trunk, no doubt looking for food.

Peck, peck, peck...

And it slowly turns to tap, tap, tap...

"Wake up, George!"

His mother was tapping him on the shoulder.

"You're late for school!"

End

Saturday, 1 April 2023

The Glass Half Full/Empty/Something Else

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I found myself in the mood to snap a photo and post it on Instagram together with some silly captions...


Sunday, 22 January 2023

A Prelude to Rabbit’s Year


A weary Tiger feels the weight of a year of triumph. He is eager to pass the torch to his tame little friend, Rabbit. After several hours of searching, he stumbles upon his trail. Tiny, brown spherical litter. A natural hunter, Tiger follows Rabbit’s poo. He snickers at his friend’s consistent bowel movement.


Too much fibre from eating all those, Tiger winces, vegetation


Tiger smiles in anticipation of meeting Rabbit again. It has been twelve years since they met. A big hug is at the top of his mind. But as he picks up the scent of his cuddly friend, dark, violent thoughts start to invade his mind. The sweet, delicious meat under the cover of those soft fur makes his stomach growl. Unconsciously, Tiger starts to drool.


The friendly smile turns into a snarl. Tiger bares his rows of sharp teeth. He quickens his pace.


Should I start with the head? Tiger ponders which part to devour first. No. It’s got to be the ears. I hate those pointy things. Yes, yesss. Those will have to go first. No, no, no, I will just eat that fellow whole!


Tiger’s eyes turn crimson. A fire born of hunger burns in those eyes. His muscles tense and he sprints forward. It has been a while since he last flexed his muscles. He was so busy the past year parading in events, being a good vegetarian tiger (it is bad publicity to have a tiger gnawing at flesh during his year, you know) he longs for fresh meat.


Rabbit did not notice Tiger because he is hopping around a patch of carrots. A ritual he likes to perform before he burrows down and frees the juicy vegetables from the ground. He finds his ideal spot. He shakes his bum a couple of times and starts to dig. 


Lunch awaits! Rabbit says to himself.


Meanwhile, just tenths of metres away, Tiger sprints. His striped golden and black fur ripples through the air. He is so fast that his fur is charged from friction with the air. He bursts into a brilliant fireball, a hurrying carnivore on fire. A million demons possess him as he leaps into the air.


Oblivious to his impending doom, Rabbit continues to burrow. His furry round tail wriggles as if taunting Tiger.


Tiger lets out a loud roar as he opens his mouth wide. Razor-sharp teeth wet with dripping saliva glisten in the sun.


Only inches away from his prey, time slows down. A quick thought passes through Tiger, Why must things move in slow motion during these critical moments? Growl!


Just as the moment comes, mouth wide ready to swallow his prey in a single gulp, a plume of Rabbit’s fart envelops Tiger.


He takes a deep breath, ready to release a final roar of victory before his anger escapes him. He gags and freezes in the air before falling flat a few feet from Rabbit. Tiger manages a soft yelp. The evil that has taken over him dissipates with the flame. The violent, voracious Tiger morphs into a cute kitty-like form.


By the time he gets up, he is a tame and loving tiger, just as cuddly as Rabbit who is hopping towards him.


“Tiger! So good to see you! Hope you’re not hurt,” Rabbit says with an embarrassed look complete with batting eyelashes. “I, uh, well, you know, too much vegetables give you gas.”


“I’m fine, buddy!” Tiger smiles. “Just here to wish you a great bunny year!”


Their paws touch and the passing of the torch is complete.


Have a great Year of the Rabbit, folks!

Monday, 8 November 2021

Medium

I have been blogging for ages since creating Ionbuck’s Blog in January 2007 up until the more recent Random Shuffles in July 2018. IonBuck’s Blog is inspired by all the news aggregating sites out there. Random Shuffles exists because of my passion to write, especially stories, and to fulfil my dream to achieve financial independence as a writer.

Unfortunately, a decade and a half later, I have yet to achieve any of my blogging goals. The news that I shared and the short stories that I wrote hardly earned more than a few cents. Demotivated, my posts suffered but I soldiered on. And then, someone created Medium, an online publishing platform that allows writers to focus on creating content. If the content is popular and monetised, the money gushes in. Or so, I read. Needless to say, I tried it.

I am not having much success with Medium either but at least it generates enough income for a cup of coffee every year. You read it correctly. On average, I managed a few cents a month. Hahaha, but I’m still trying. I have managed to join a few publications for my short fiction so let’s see how it goes from there.

As a result, I have been reducing my content in Random Shuffles. Besides that, I have not been writing content for IonBuck’s Blog for years now other than the occasional post). At this moment, I am focused to publish my fiction on Medium. Given a choice, I would post my stories here, too, but due to the terms and conditions, I am not supposed to publish elsewhere.

The following are my latest short stories (in publishing order) on Medium. Do feel free to visit!

It mocks the higher echelons on how they bully their subordinates but still have to submit to their customers. My original title was “Who’s Boss?” but somehow, when The Creative Cafe published it, they’ve changed it to the above. Doesn’t sound right but still, it was my first story posted via a Medium publisher. 

2. Yellow, Yellow 
A self-centred guy tries to impress his girlfriend but in the process, drags his friends along.

3. Danger in the Woods
A family goes back to nature but the city kids are not too keen until they discover what lies within the forest.

4. Rotten Baker
A baker drives away a hungry boy and gets what he deserves.

5. Breakfast for Granted
A kid takes his parents for granted his whole life until they decided to teach him a lesson.

6. Magic Seed
A lonely child visits his grandparents and brings back an unusual seed with magic that goes beyond his wildest dreams.

More to come. Stay tuned!

Saturday, 22 May 2021

A Sparkle in the Rain - A Short Story

A follow up to the short story here. A girl did not think her parents’ advice were worth the trouble but ended up splashed by water. But perhaps, things might turn up well, after all…

******

A Sparkle in the Rain

Romance can happen anywhere, even in the rain.


Oh, dear! I didn’t mean to! Joshua thought.


He had stopped his car by the roadside and was looking through his rearview mirror at the girl at the bus stop. Moments before, he had driven over a large puddle of water and caused a huge wave of water to splash onto her. She was cursing so loud that even the sound of rain could not muffle her swearing.


Clutching his umbrella, Joshua got out of the car and ran towards her.


“I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t mean to-“


Splash!


Before Joshua could finish his sentence, another car passed by and drenched both of them. The profanities doubled now that two people were expressing their displeasures. 


When they calmed down (and ran out of expletives), they began to realise their foolishness. Soaked to the bone, they stared at each other and burst out laughing.


“We better get out here,” Joshua gestured. “Unless you want to get drenched again! Come on, I’ll give you a lift to wherever you’re going.”


Well, that’s sweet, the girl thought. Not such a bad day after all.


“Thanks. I was going to a party but under the circumstances, it’s not going to happen. I guess you can buy me a cup of hot coffee instead.”


End

Thursday, 7 January 2021

History Lesson - Flash Fiction

Happy new year! A flash fiction I thought of when I came across the phrase "the pen is mightier than the sword". This short is just to explore today's society that hardly holds up a pen. Instead, most people just swipe and touch type on their touchscreen phones. Probably in another few more decades, the pen (and pencil) will disappear altogether...

A very passionate history teacher was emphasising on the importance of learning from past mistakes.

“Many wars were waged by egoistic men who knew nothing more than violence but, throughout history, as I will demonstrate to you, many battles can be won, or even avoided, minus the brawls.”

He reached into his inside jacket pocket and took out a pen.

“‘The pen is mightier than the sword.’ I want this legendary phrase to sink into your minds,” the teacher brandished his pen in the air.

There was a momentary silence as everyone tried to grasp the significance of the last few minutes. All of a sudden, the crowd of young students burst out laughing in unison. When the laughter died down, everyone returned to their phones and tablets, swiping expertly with their fingers. Only a minor few appeared to write down some notes on their digital devices with a stylus. There were even fewer who jot something down on paper notebooks with a pen.

The history teacher stood puzzled as the bell rang to signify the end of class.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will continue to pursue my cause to eliminate violence, he thought.

End.

Saturday, 3 October 2020

Nothing to Drizzle About - A Flash Fiction

It was a rainy evening. While driving back, I drove past a puddle of water which gave me an idea to write a quick short. Injecting some parental advice, the following flash fiction came to fruit. Enjoy!

******

“Make sure you keep your raincoat and umbrella on at all times, especially at the bus stop! When it rains, cars passing by might drive over puddles and splash water on you!” mom told Audrey. “And you won’t want your new dress to get all wet and dirty, do you?”

“And don’t forget to put on your yellow boots, too!” dad shouted from the kitchen.

Nag, nag, nag. That was what Audrey heard.

“Yes, mom, yes dad,” she said.

Before mom could continue, Audrey took off with her umbrella opened but she left the raincoat hanging on the coats hanger. It was just a light drizzle. Nothing was going to stop her from attending her best friend’s birthday party!

A couple of blocks away, she was waiting at the bus stop for the next bus when the sky opened up. Cats and dogs rained down furiously from the heavens. Puddles of water began to form on the road but...

Hah! Mom and dad should see this. All the cars are avoiding the puddles! Ha! Ha! H-

Splash!

- End -

Monday, 11 May 2020

A Last Minute Surprise - A Short Story to Celebrate Mother’s Day

Just like this short story, in the last minute, a father and son ponder what hardship they might face if they fail to come up with a Mother's Day present in the wee hours of the morning.

*****

A Last Minute Surprise


“We’re doomed, son,” the father said. “It’s one in the morning and we’ve nothing for mom!”

“What’s mom’s favourite?” asked the five-year-old son, trying to rub the sleep away from his eyes.

“She has a lot of favourites but they are all unreachable at this time of the day.”

“Why did you wait till this time of the day, Dad?”

An innocent question that brought silence into the night. The father was speechless.

“Well, I suppose we can give her some money,” the father continued several minutes later.

“Does Mom love money?”

“I suppose money is everyone’s object of affection.”

“I don’t. In my cartoons, all the bad guys always go for money but they always end up getting caught or killed.”

“Killed?! They kill people in cartoons?”

“Yes. Sometimes with guns, sometimes with swords, you know, basically anything can kill,” the precocious child replied.

The father covered his face with his hands and sighed. When he recovered, his son had disappeared.

“Dad, I’ve got an idea. Why not you give me some money and I can put them together into a heart like this,” the son returned, holding a large A3-sized board with what appeared to be an origami heart in the middle. “I just need like ten pieces and-“

“That’s brilliant!” the father cut his son off and ran into his room to retrieve ten pieces of hundred dollar bills.



When the mother woke up, she was pleasantly surprised to find her husband had brought breakfast to the bed. A hearty meal of toast, sunny-side-up eggs, sausages and a muffin sat on a tray at the end of the bed.

“Well, that’s very sweet honey. A kiss is in order.”

“Do you think that’s all? Come on, son!” the father beckoned the kid.

The son entered with a large card with “Happy Mother’s Day” scribbled on it. At the centre of it all was the heart made of hundred dollar bills. He handed it to his mother who was beaming with pleasure.

“Well, darling, that’s very... creative of you. The heart looks like it’s made with real money. Hahaha!”

“They are! Dad gave ten of them to me. I cut them into pieces before I glued them up to form a heart.”

-End-


Donnie Yen’s The Prosecutor Review

Really good action-packed martial arts movies had been scarce. Imagine my excitement when I stumbled across Donnie Yen’s The Prosecutor trai...